tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51830702011-04-21T18:04:24.672-04:00Thoughts of a True Thinker...I ThinkA Christian man deep in the ways of the world, struggling to live for God and make sense of my life freaknoreply@blogger.comBlogger911100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1128476957901745162005-10-04T21:41:00.000-04:002005-10-04T21:49:17.906-04:00Hey everyone, I seem to have forgotten I have a blog. Well, I have been very busy with work and my girlfriend and my family and her's. My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 months this past Sunday and she is definitely the one. No, I haven't asked her yet, but its just a matter of time. Rings are expensive. We have gone on a few trips, to Mardi Gras, to L.A. for a weekend to see Wyattfreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1111069909232980182005-03-17T09:30:00.000-05:002005-03-17T09:31:49.236-05:00Again, its been pretty busy around here. Still working 65+ hours over 5 days each week and spending all my free time with my beautiful angel. Today is our 6 week anniversary. Things are going great. No fights so far. We get along great. We've been spending lots of time with her family and mine. We had dinner with my sister and bro-in-law Sunday after church and some disc golf(her first time freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1109136716633983072005-02-23T00:32:00.000-05:002005-02-23T00:31:56.633-05:00A lot has happened since I last posted. I found out the two reasons I had for not dating this girl. The first because I was not sure if she was a Christian. So instead of asking her, I assumed she wasn't. Well, we talked about it and she is, she even has a church that she regularly attends when she isn't working. The second reason, the little nagging one that I couldn't quite put my finger on, I freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1102616680118666632004-12-09T14:25:00.000-05:002005-01-13T16:46:13.203-05:00A Life Torn Apart
voices of yesterday echo within my soul
reverberate against my failing insides
resounding quakes encompass my mind
dreams and desires whirlwind through me
passing glimpses of who I should be
fly by with tremendous speeds
unattainable by one's self alone
impossible to catch, it leaves me
further and further away it goes
I regress, slink back into the shadows
its familiar, freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1102487556052522212004-12-08T02:09:00.000-05:002004-12-08T01:32:36.053-05:00Today I caught myself trying to justify God's love for me. Who am I to try to justify any actions other than my own, least of all God's? God just loves me because He does, and I need to accept that. His reasons are His own.
I've spent the past week in a deeper introspective state than I am usually in, because new things are coming to light. I'm learning, but still not utilizing my new freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1101777000748910332004-11-29T20:04:00.000-05:002004-11-29T20:10:00.746-05:00I'm sick of waiting for direction and guidance. I sick of being alone. I'm sick of this awful world. I'm sick of not following my own standards. I sick of letting my humanity dominate over my spirit and soul. I have been drinking, smoking, doing drugs, swearing, glorifying debauchery and sinful ways in speech to strangers, etc. I'm not living how God intended me or any other human to live.freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1100065794454250192004-11-10T01:50:00.000-05:002004-11-10T00:49:54.453-05:00I have finally been captured by the feared and hated "rut". I'm stuck in this damn place with no foreseeable way out. My hopes and dreams have lost all momentum and meaning. My life is bland like unseasoned rice; no flavor and screaming for even the slightest dash of salt. I work, I exist, and I sleep during the rare occasions I get to. Life is lack-luster and severely wanting. Why even freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1098383013044955622004-10-21T15:24:00.000-04:002004-10-21T14:23:33.043-04:00I’m sitting here on the edge of my bed, thinking about how I got here. I feel like a taxi dropped me off at a tourist trap and left before I could continue on with my travels. Like an indefinite layover in a strange airport and my flight just got canceled. I don’t know anybody here, and I’m far too shy to meet new people unless they make the first move.
I’m sitting here on the edge of my bedfreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1097686952410546362004-10-13T14:02:00.000-04:002004-10-13T13:02:32.410-04:00I simply love every single thing about autumn. The leaves slowly turning from green to various shades of yellow and red. The most wonderful smell of the leaves and the crisp air. The smell of sweet smoke from people's fireplaces and wood stoves. The crisp cool air, and swift breezes. The cloudless skies one day, and overcast the next. The warmth of the sun on your face while the cold air freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1097259129677693722004-10-08T15:10:00.000-04:002004-10-08T14:12:09.676-04:00Well, I once again have quit smoking. Over 4 days now. Not as bad as the last time, but still fiending pretty good for a nicotine fix.
Life doesn't seem to be getting worse or better. Just stagnant. Momentary glimpses of dreams are coming and going like a stranger in a crowd, remember little and it soon fades. I had a good talk with a great friend about life any how we get to where we are.freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1095875320868239302004-09-22T14:49:00.000-04:002004-09-22T13:48:40.866-04:00Update On My Life:
Due to the stress I've been going through and not knowing how to deal with it, I once again am a smoker. I've been smoking for 3 weeks. I know, I lose. I haven't been keeping the best contact with my friends. Lose again. I let work get me way too pissed off. I drive myself crazy, because I can't seem to get anywhere. I keep having nightmares where I am running but my freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1095347359195314782004-09-16T11:07:00.000-04:002004-09-16T11:09:19.196-04:00"Fiction"
If you wrote a book with a page for
each memory
And put it in hardback for people to buy
The critics would laugh, yeah they'd call
it ridiculous
And sit around waiting for Porky to fly
The truth is stranger than fiction
And I must believe what I see
But the truth is stranger than fiction to me
If they made a film of the book of the memory
With Bobby De Niro and Demi De Moore
You'd freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1095117824577304302004-09-13T20:23:00.000-04:002004-09-13T19:23:44.576-04:00My aunt called this morning and left a message that my Uncle Ray had taken a turn for the worst and all the doctors could do was to use a morphine drip to ease the extremely unbearable pain that comes along with pancreatic cancer. She said if we wanted to see him, we needed to go over right away. I called my dad at work and left him know. He came home and picked me up and we went over to see freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1094825945107682452004-09-10T11:17:00.000-04:002004-09-13T17:57:13.286-04:00Prayer Requests:
- My grandmother is very ill and has fluid around her heart. She is having pain and is unable to eat. She has already lost 17 pounds in the past two weeks.
- My Uncle Ray has been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, which is incurable, and it has already spread to his liver.
Update on me:
I did not get the job I had been so hoping for. I have no idea what I should be doing, freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1093015680100854752004-08-20T12:25:00.000-04:002004-08-20T11:28:00.100-04:00The few weeks have been great and crappy and mind-blowing and depressing. I finally got a response email from a friend from high school, and she was going to give me contact info for my of my two best friends from high school (Dan), but instead she gave me the bad news of the fact that he is in jail awaiting trial fro the attempted murder of his 4 month old daughter that he beat so badly that iffreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1090725091043347632004-07-24T22:36:00.000-04:002004-07-24T23:11:31.043-04:00I know its been a long time since I last posted, but then again I have been extremely busy doing a whole lot of nothing. I have been sleeping, working, and disc golfing and really else nothing besides that. I did go to an extremely awesome concert last Saturday night with a good friend I don't get to se very often (Mitler), and my bro-in-law Jonathon. 12 Stones opened, followed by Puddle of freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1089134462500982402004-07-06T12:52:00.000-04:002004-07-06T13:21:02.503-04:00I took my own life, and tore it from Him.
I didn't want any part of Him for what He had allowed.
I took into my hands my fragile life, and held onto it so tight.
I couldn't handle it on my own, and I broke it.
It broke and crumbled and fell into pieces.
I laid shattered upon the ground.
I couldn't put the pieces back together.
I was scared and alone and was lost in this world.
So finally, I freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1088349014948986632004-06-27T10:49:00.000-04:002004-06-27T11:10:14.946-04:00I know, I know. It's been almost 3 weeks since my last post, but I have been busy. Really. I went to Rob and Emily's wedding. Very awesome time. Got to see Mitler, Wyatt, Miller, Rob, Emily, and meet some awesome new people. Meet an awesome chick on the flight from Minneapolis to Chicago, but failed to get contact info before she was gone. My flight was cancelled to Philly so I was stuck freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1086755600006620232004-06-08T23:55:00.000-04:002004-06-09T00:33:20.006-04:00Well, since I've been back from Texas, I become someone new, and I am really starting to like the new me. I have drank twice, only with a friend once and my brother on Memorial day. Not alone! And didn't even get buzzed either time! I only plan on drinking with friends from here on out. None of this pretending barflies and regulars are my friends to hide my alcoholism. I haven't smoked the freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1085150734373913152004-05-21T10:16:00.000-04:002004-05-21T10:45:34.373-04:00Hello all. Well, I made it safely back to PA, but I do not want to be here. This time it's different though. I am currently making some choices that will affect the rest of my life. Living here is staying in a rut. There is nothing wrong with living here for others, but it is holding me back. When you settle for what is familiar, you lose potential to move on. I don't want to stay with thefreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1084345981596576122004-05-12T02:50:00.000-04:002004-05-12T03:13:01.596-04:00Well, tonight I learned a valuable lesson that has been resounding over the past few days. The way back from somewhere is longer than the way there. Why is this so? How can something be quick in one direction but take so long the opposite way? Why is it so easy to fall into something, but take forever to get out of? Is it because we ignore opposing forces? Is it because we lose our way? Isfreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1082575433077021512004-04-21T15:23:00.000-04:002004-04-21T15:29:55.420-04:00Have you ever got drunk? Just totally plastered? Not on booze. Not on love. But on music and memories. What a wonderful feeling. Well, to be honest I am totally drunk on music right now, and I feel great. No hangover to worry about, no tab to pay, and its not bad to drink music when you are alone. You can either listen to music or you can drink it. When you listen, it entertains and freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1081517771351130262004-04-09T09:36:00.000-04:002004-04-09T09:39:55.030-04:00Again, lyrics best describe how I feel, and from what better band:
Away From The Sun by 3 Doors Down
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I missed the life
I missed the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am
'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1081386389584891002004-04-07T21:06:00.000-04:002004-04-07T21:10:11.513-04:00The summer of my 19th year, oh, what a wonderful time. I worked hard, made decent money, and just about lived at the pool hall. I started going there over Spring Break my sophomore year, and then continued to frequent its majesty every night I could over the summer. I spent 4 or 5 hours a night there 3 or 4 nights every week. It was amazing. I even acquired some since forgotten mad pool freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1080845617111914402004-04-01T13:53:00.000-05:002004-04-01T13:57:10.856-05:00Again I am going to post lyrics about how I have been feeling. If you truly want to know how I feel, you should listen to the songs themselves, because the music is what sets the mood for the lyrics. I have been wondering for quite some time if life can ever be sweeter than it has already been. Everyone tells me it will, and I am trying to keep the faith alive that it will, otherwise what elsefreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1080400913296818512004-03-27T10:01:00.000-05:002004-03-27T10:25:19.903-05:00Last night at work, I did a great deal of thinking about life. What better time to dwell on life then when you are severely sleep-deprived, at work, and you are the only one awake and you have three hours of cleaning before you're done? I searched my past, trying to figure how I got here, where I am going, and who I really am. I tried to figure out what my motives were in the past and what freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1080235199185078622004-03-25T12:19:00.000-05:002004-03-25T12:23:23.280-05:00Sweet dreams and nightmares. They grace me then shake me. What a crazy thing. Sweet dreams fill my slumbering hours, only for me to awake and the reality that feels so real is a fading dream, and there I lay quickly realizing that the dream was in fact only a dream. Quite often over the past few weeks I have these most wonderful of dreams and awake due to the sound of my own voice as I try tofreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1079981292255754092004-03-22T12:12:00.000-05:002004-03-22T13:51:32.356-05:00A fool! A mere mortal I am! So naive and clueless that it took a film, albeit the most amazing and impacting film I've ever seen, to make me understand the ultimate sacrifice that took place two millennia ago to save my soul. The crucifixion of Jesus Christ took place as the ultimate showing of God's unconditional love for His children. The pain He endured, every strike of the whip, every cutfreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1078626956339243132004-03-06T20:22:00.000-05:002004-03-06T21:38:55.826-05:00Sorry this post is so long, I started typing and got totally carried away, but it's a good one. At least I think it is.
Very quickly, I revamped my blog to let a little more light it. It seemed awfully dark and depressing. Heck, it even made me depressed to go to my blog, so I can sympathize with those of you that felt the same. Let me know what you think of the change. I always had a freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1075927227552965932004-02-04T14:55:00.000-05:002004-02-04T15:42:45.420-05:00Nothing new since last post. Oh, yeah, I forgot I'm coming to Texas to visit on the 23rd of Feb. till the 4th of March. 19 days, 6 hours, and 30 minutes, but who's counting? Well, I guess I am actually. Still working about 55-65 hours a week in less than 3 and a half days. I still like work, but it is tiring working so many hours in such a short amount of time. I could stretch my hours out, freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1074615167605964292004-01-20T10:32:00.000-05:002004-01-20T11:14:45.780-05:00Well, it has happened. I was hoping it wouldn't, but it has definitely happened. I even told them to do it if it made them feel better. I told them to stop being my friends if they thought I was too much of an asshole to still be friends with. I did something totally stupid, told the honest truth about it instead of lying, and then did nothing to correct it. Now they are gone. I guess I freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1073668954094200252004-01-09T11:08:00.000-05:002004-01-09T12:24:17.843-05:00Ah, sweet life, how I love thee. Not really, but at least I am gaining some understanding of how life operates. The girl in Texas that I thought I had feelings for, I do not. Just the feelings of strong friendship. Once again, my brain wigged out. Sorry for any confusion. I am a dumbass. I had taken a fancy to my boss since we first met three months ago, and I thought it might lead freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1071514438989069482003-12-15T12:36:00.000-05:002003-12-15T13:55:09.310-05:00Texas - Feels Like Home
I'm back from Texas, but I wish I wasn't. It was the best of times, and the worst of times. It was a defining time of my life, even though it was only a few short days. I found that I have stronger feelings for some people and I have shed feelings for others. I found that distance along with change in personalities and heart can break the bonds of deepest friendship. freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1069350257733567692003-11-20T12:14:00.000-05:002003-11-20T12:44:54.373-05:00Sorry it has been so long between posts, but I have not been home all that much, and when I am home, I am too tired or too busy to post. For those of you who don't already know, I am going to Texas to visit my peeps in Dallas and at LU during their finals week. Dec. 7th thru the 11th. I will most likely be staying in Dallas Sunday night, but not sure yet. The rest of my time will be spent in freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1068056834010573322003-11-05T12:57:00.000-05:002003-11-05T13:27:31.310-05:00Here I sit, going through boxes, reliving old memories from as far back as I can remember to the ones I have from yesterday. What makes something hold so much significance, no matter how trivial? I am looking at a cheap marionette of some type of bird resembling an ostrich that I bought at a craft show when I was 5 or 6. It is constructed of Styrofoam balls, cheap beads, fake fur, and fishing freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1067288384428858182003-10-27T15:30:00.000-05:002003-10-27T15:59:50.310-05:00Well, I love my job. I thought the hours would suck, but I get to have more interaction with my guys, and it keeps me out of the bars. My guys are great. The have been showing signs of affection, and they are really starting to like me. I am a positive influence in the home, since some of the other staff members treat the guys like shit, and I actually find out what they want and try to help freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1066755823450233862003-10-21T12:41:00.000-04:002003-10-21T13:03:43.526-04:00What a gorgeous Fall it has been so far this year. I forgot how much I truly love this season, when all the leaves change and fall to the ground in a myriad of colors. What a beautiful sight that I have been missing for the past five years living in Texas. For the first time since I was a senior in High School, I get to see this. Driving on little back roads going way over the speed limit freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1066075591252703032003-10-13T15:56:00.002-04:002003-10-13T16:19:11.343-04:00The truth comes out, finally. Check out my other blog http://schizophrenicme.blogspot.com/. You can find the link "My Freaky Blog" on the links section.freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1066073334201283752003-10-13T15:03:00.000-04:002003-10-13T15:28:54.053-04:00Well folks, here I am. Still lost. Still trying to find out who I am. Still have a mountain of decisions to make. Still have a longing in my heart to be somewhere else. Still questioning what about me is real, and what is a false truth I have decided in the past to live by. I have been doing really well with not lying about anything anymore. When my family have been asking me questions freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1065543342973297702003-10-07T11:21:00.000-04:002003-10-07T12:15:43.016-04:00When I was taking a class in college called Organizational Behavior, we had to take many different personality tests since it was a psychology-based class. One of the tests we took was called the Machiavellian test. This test tells you how you behave in differing social circumstances in order to take part. I scored an almost perfect. This is NOT good. The higher you rate, the more you lie tofreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1065155104746226922003-10-02T23:45:00.000-04:002003-10-03T00:25:04.566-04:00I'm not good with quotes, but on a few different occasions I heard people say to me, "You stop being a child when you know you are going to die." Well, I guess I was a child until I was 12. It was then, at my paternal grandfather's funeral, when this realization hit me. I was floored and have never truly recovered. I can still remember the day and instance on the "awakening," so-to-speak. freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1064420443572309072003-09-24T10:48:00.000-04:002003-09-24T12:20:43.480-04:00Updates:
Went to apply for MA on Thursday. The interviewer thought I was a nut, in her non-medical opinion. Now its a waiting game to find out if I get it or not. I'm really hoping to get it, but I might not know for up to two more weeks.
Still looking for a job. I keep applying and they keep not responding back. Why does the economy have to suck right when I graduate and then continue to freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1063587938490858712003-09-14T20:46:00.000-04:002003-09-14T21:05:38.496-04:00Well folks, I had a lengthy discussion with my wonderful mother on Thursday. We talked about my dreams, my feelings, my "schizophrenic" visions, my life, and my motivation (or lack there of). She thinks I am either paranoid schizophrenic, as I feared and several online screenings confirmed, or bi-polar, which several online screenings confirmed as well. She was very supportive of my mess of a freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1063185855527606052003-09-10T05:24:00.000-04:002003-09-10T05:24:15.510-04:00It's 5:00am. My body and brain are tired beyond all common sense, yet I remain awake. I am tormented and conflicted. My thoughts are haunting me like the ghosts that have been plaguing me. The sins of my past are holding me back and holding me down. So many times I ask for forgiveness, only to not mean it, or to later fall back into my previous state. I need to be rid of this. It is freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1062714321011762952003-09-04T18:25:00.000-04:002003-09-04T18:25:20.976-04:00Well folks, I watched "Throw Momma From The Train" yesterday for the first time. Surprisingly, I found inspiration in it. I decided to write a book about my life from the summer before college to present. I am going to retell timeless stories, and share deep intimate thoughts and desires in my book. It should make for some excellent reading if I do say so myself. I have outlined the past 5 freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1062512551029255202003-09-02T10:22:00.000-04:002003-09-02T10:22:31.000-04:00To Orion,
I stood on the beautiful stretch of beach and watched as the crashing surf came racing up the sand to greet me, and all I could think of was you. I figured if I got away from the people and went out on my own, I could get away from these thoughts. Maybe I could find you in nature. I swam out to a sandbar several hundred yards out into the big blue Atlantic. I was standing knee-deepfreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1062115758420187682003-08-28T20:09:00.000-04:002003-08-28T20:10:54.846-04:00Last night, while I was driving home from my sister and brother-in-law's apartment, a weird feeling came over me. When I got home, I felt strangely different. I was aware of the difference, but not what the difference actually was. This morning, I got up at 7:45 without aid of an alarm clock, babysat for two and half-hours, and started going through the paper for jobs without being prompted. freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1062028851501203872003-08-27T20:00:00.000-04:002003-08-27T20:00:51.323-04:00Well folks, it has been a short while since I last smeared my thoughts all over your screen, and the mood was disheartening. It has been yet another rollercoaster ride. Life, I mean. My 23rd birthday sucked, and was followed immediately with a great weekend with my grandparents on a camping trip. The camping trip was great except for the last day, when I seriously dissappointed my freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1061358375716539002003-08-20T01:46:00.000-04:002003-08-20T01:46:15.703-04:00I'm sorry that it has been quite a while since my last post. I have been unpacking, looking for a job, trying to avoid my family, and waiting till late to get on the internet since its the only time I'm allowed on. I'm home in Pennsylvania now, and have been for 7 days and 18 hours. I hate it. I love my family and all, but I hate being here. They have been bitching at me since I got home, freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1060363911246750332003-08-08T13:31:00.000-04:002003-08-08T13:31:51.160-04:00Well everybody, I am leaving tomorrotw morning to go home, so my next post might not be a for a little while. I am almost done packing up my stuff, and now I just need to get it all in the U-haul. I had the worst day ever yesterday, and I'll post about it later because I don't have much time now. I'm just taking a break. Anyway, I have been say goodbye to my friends all week, and it isn't freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1060104548577457012003-08-05T13:29:00.000-04:002003-08-05T13:29:08.510-04:00I've encountered an awful lot of fake people in my time. The older I get, the more fake people I run into. Most of the fake people I run into are strangers or plain acquaintances, but now I am seeing people I've known for years and some close friends being fake as well, and it is really starting to eat at me. These people are saying one thing, but thinking another. They are not being honest freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1060020730411534962003-08-04T14:12:00.000-04:002003-08-04T14:12:38.010-04:00This a is a poem I wrote after my affection, however misconceived, was sent to someone, and how it made me feel.
My Heart Trapped, But Not Forgotten
I sent you my heart in a letter,
But it still has not been returned.
I am a broken and hollow shell of a man,
Because of you I know how it feels to be burned.
I have been burned
By the one I once loved.
You are no longer trusted
and held above freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1059624733461538082003-07-31T00:12:00.000-04:002003-07-31T10:55:18.696-04:00This is a song I wrote, but I changed the lyrics to fit the situation at hand. For those of you who don't know the situation at hand, it involves me deciding to move home in a week and a half. It's a long story and I'll post about it later, but right now, just the poem/song. Just so you know, I actually have cried about the choice I made, but it's what is best for me, and I'm so sorry to all freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1059078496870427702003-07-24T16:28:00.000-04:002003-07-24T16:35:56.540-04:00I started a new blog, "http://schizophrenicme.blogspot.com/", about the things that I see, hear, and can feel, but that aren't actually there. I know this sounds crazy, but it probably is. Anyway, the first post there is one from earlier on this blog, but all the other ones are new stuff that I have only talked to a few people about. The link is also in my links sections under the heading "My freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1058845592403776802003-07-21T23:46:00.000-04:002003-07-21T23:46:32.250-04:00Do we ever truly know exactly who we are? When we say we are going to find ourselves, can we actually find out who we really are? Well, I don’t know if we can find out who we really are and what it is that makes us who we are, but I hope that it’s possible. I need to find myself. I need to know what it is that makes me the person I am, and what will make me truly happy. I have realized that freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1058769454670420932003-07-21T02:37:00.000-04:002003-07-21T02:37:34.540-04:00I started to post about something, but decided it wasn't worth posting. So I'm not going to. Maybe tomorrow I will post something. K, bye.freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1058468489253919092003-07-17T15:01:00.000-04:002003-07-17T15:01:29.056-04:00You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner neverknows what you're going to come up with next;this creates great excitement and arousal neverknowing what to expect. And it's sure to endin a kiss as great as your mystery.
What kind of kiss are you? brought to you by Quizilla
freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1058467538129510422003-07-17T14:45:00.000-04:002003-07-17T14:45:37.980-04:00You are Franklin Roosevelt.
Many people look up to you and adore you. Althoughyou are actually a fairly private person, youcan be the life of the party. Some people donot realize what a shrewd manager you are, ableto compromise and negotiate. You want to helpother people, and are overcoming personaldifficulty to achieve greatness.
What 20th-century Western ruler are you? brought to you by freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1058417481647754622003-07-17T00:51:00.000-04:002003-07-17T00:51:21.446-04:00You're StrongMad. Your best friend the cheat isreally loyal, so feel loved. You are not veryintelligent, ok so you're dumb, but no one willever make fun of you cuz you're freakin huge.
What HomeStarRunner Character are you? (pictures) brought to you by Quizilla
freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1058304558370233742003-07-15T17:29:00.000-04:002003-07-15T17:29:18.336-04:00You are Lamentations.
Which book of the Bible are you? brought to you by Quizilla
freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1058059383449672312003-07-12T21:23:00.000-04:002003-07-12T21:23:03.406-04:00I didn't sell out, I bought in! That's what I have been telling myself lately. I have been feeling desperately alone and it's been really hard to function since the only thing I can do is to think and to write. Thinking and writing is not a bad thing per say, but then again, when it is all you can do, it gets monotonous really quickly. The writing is the only thing keeping me from cracking. freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1057771864147723982003-07-09T13:31:00.000-04:002003-07-09T13:31:04.163-04:00Music is a fucked-up thing. You'll find a song that makes you happy, that truly moves you, that inspires you, or just makes you goofy. There are also songs that make you think, make you reminisce, make you cry, make you laugh, make you depressed, and a whole host of other feelings and emotions. Lately, all music depresses me. Songs that have great memories locked up in them remind me of what freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1057636845769236372003-07-08T00:00:00.000-04:002003-07-08T00:00:45.650-04:00I was going to post a second time today, but when I got here, I lost interest and motivation and all inspiration. Sorry, I'll post again sometime really soon, maybe.freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1057612704840226992003-07-07T17:18:00.000-04:002003-07-07T17:18:24.806-04:00I am once again plagued by thoughts that haunted me in the not so distant pass. I feel like I have done all there is for me to do, and that is why I lack in direction for my life, because there isn't any life left in me. I have an overwhelming sense of completeness and feel that I am done in this life, or have one final thing to do before I die that is keeping me alive, and I just need to find freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1057072964081139592003-07-01T11:22:00.000-04:002003-07-01T11:22:44.070-04:00Here's a little haiku I wrote about two and a half years ago:
The darkened shadows,
Wrapped fearlessly around me,
I knew I was home.
-Joshua Hutt
freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1057000939422101292003-06-30T15:22:00.000-04:002003-07-01T11:24:42.230-04:00This is the first half, the other is below. It is a long one.
I feel so out of touch with reality right now, so lost inside myself. I am confused and happy and depressed. I want to see my family, and be with my friends, and just be happy again. Times are so sad once again. It is the last day of June, and I can not see my family till Christmas, and my friends for another month. My life is freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1057000889102862012003-06-30T15:21:00.000-04:002003-06-30T15:21:29.093-04:00I want to piss off Tim because he only got a Dukes of Hazard big wheel for Christmas, and I got a Dukes of Hazard and a Knight Rider big wheel the same day. I want to play with Light Sabers and actually think they are real. I want to eat play-dough burgers that me and Kristy made in our Burger King play-dough set on my mom’s friend's front steps. I want to help my dad build additions on to thefreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1056740657888635912003-06-27T15:04:00.000-04:002003-06-27T15:30:57.023-04:00When I awoke this morning, all was dark. After a few short moments, the sun came crashing up out of the trees to greet me, and wish me well. As I sit here now, the sun is about to set. Sinking slowing in the sky, ever fading but hanging on till I say goodnight. He is starting to slide behind the tree-line, and it is beautiful, but it is almost over. I wish it had just begun, so I could have freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-1056697328507686702003-06-27T03:02:00.000-04:002003-06-27T03:02:08.390-04:00Well, here I am again. It has once again been a long time since I posted and I am not truly inspired to post, but I told a great friend of mine that I would post tonight, so here I am. I watched the most gorgeous sunset tonight while chain smoking some Newports (yes, I went out and got brand name smokes for the first time in forever only because they were a mere $23.00 a carton at Wal-Mart). freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-959523522003-06-23T13:38:00.000-04:002003-06-23T13:38:24.970-04:00Last night, the relationship officially ended between me and Alison. And I'm glad to say the it was mutual and we are still friends. She is pissed at me about I handled some things, but all in all, it's for the best. The relationship was not going anywhere and the emotional connection was no where to be found. It was the kind of relationship that you knew was doomed from the start, yet you freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-958057902003-06-18T17:58:00.000-04:002003-06-18T17:58:05.780-04:00I think I have shot myself in the foot. You know when you say you're going to do one thing, but then you do another, it will always find a away to bend you over and do you wrong. I have done just that. I have told someone I care about on two different occasions that I was going to refrain from doing things and then did them anyway. I did not do them intentionally, but it still hurts her, and freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-956409852003-06-13T16:22:00.000-04:002003-06-13T16:22:41.550-04:00Well, some of my friends have been getting on my case about not posting often enough, and I know I need to to keep everybody up to date since we all don't talk as often as we would like. Life has been great. I am at a natural high, that actually surpasses all the unnatural ones I've had. Ever since I took the sabbatical and found myself, I have been living large and loving every second of it.freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-953006952003-06-04T17:11:00.000-04:002003-06-04T17:11:42.290-04:00Well, it has been a very long time since I last posted, and a lot of you know that a lot has happened over the past two weeks, and are wondering why I haven't posted the news yet. Well, to be quite honest, I didn't want to be telling everyone till it has been a little while so I could be sure it was meaningful and that it does in fact have potential to keep going. Well the news is, I now have afreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-950034172003-05-28T16:11:00.000-04:002003-05-28T16:15:50.000-04:00
"God will not suffer man to have the knowledge of things to come; for if he had prescience
of his prosperity he would be careless; and understanding of his adversity he would be senseless."
You are Augustine!
You love to study tough issues and don't mind it if you lose sleep over them.
Everyone loves you and wants to talk to you and hear your views, you even get things like "nice debating
freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-948033492003-05-23T17:29:00.000-04:002003-05-23T17:29:30.483-04:00Well folks, it official. I'm a neurotic. I have been reading all my past posts from past to future in chronological order and I got to today's and read it, as if I forgot what I wrote about 3 hours ago, and I feel better. I found a pattern in my thoughts. I pick one thought out of millions that I have and dwell on it till it makes me go nuts. I don't actually feel like I said I did a few freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-947969712003-05-23T14:35:00.000-04:002003-05-23T14:35:05.066-04:00Well folks, it has been steady progress up to this point. But now, today I awoke with a thought that raced through my brain for the past 3 hours or so. This thought is a major setback. It was something that I never really considered before. I think I have been dwelling on it subconsciously for the past month or so and I think that it is the root of my nightmares. I've been having nightmares freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-947636192003-05-22T21:23:00.000-04:002003-05-22T21:23:45.940-04:00It's Thursday already. This week is flying by, but in slow motion. It is going so fast yet so slow. It is very weird. I can see the time slow down, but at the same time it seems to fly and I am lost among it. When I sit down and think it slows way down, and when I watch TV or look for a job or hang with friends, it goes at an incredible rate. Right now it is going very slow, because I want freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-947557802003-05-22T17:39:00.000-04:002003-05-22T17:45:32.000-04:00Today, I will discuss love. I have been doing research of the word love and the types of love that we as humans can have and share. According to the Greeks, there are four types of love that are possible. The first is "storge", and it refers to the love we have for acquaintances and mankind in general. It also refers to the love we have for family and kin, but I do not fully comprehend how freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-947037222003-05-21T17:01:00.000-04:002003-05-21T17:07:38.000-04:00Update of Life:
Doing well. Still looking for a job. No one has called back yet, but I keep applying anyway. Eventually I might get one. Hope so. Need cash. Got no smokes money, so I've been smoking my pipe, which for you amateurs is one hell of a buzz when you smoke a pipe after 12 hours of not smoking and french inhale. Wow, the other day I fell over walking to the kitchen the buzzfreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-946147962003-05-19T23:39:00.000-04:002003-05-19T23:39:19.966-04:00Well, it has been only 45 minutes since the sabbatical officially started, yet I feel like it has already been an eternity. I miss those that I am taking a break from, and I will miss them dearly. We will meet again in the future, and I hope all this is worth this attempt to make everything better. I love you all as if you were my own family and I hope you all know that. I will think of you freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-945890812003-05-19T13:17:00.000-04:002003-05-23T17:01:26.000-04:00Some sports players, when talking about their jobs, say, "Well if it was easy, everyone would do it." I think the same way about life, "If life were easy, everyone would do it!" You might be like, "What the hell is he smoking?" And I say to that, I have seen far too many people in my time that don't live their lives. They float through, and let the current drag them wherever it wants. Not mefreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-944715172003-05-16T17:39:00.000-04:002003-05-16T17:43:33.000-04:00I am at a critical stage in my life right now. I have done some really fucked up shit in my day, but I noticed a trend. I do stupider shit every time I do something stupid. It's almost as if I subconsciously try to out-do myself with every act I do. I am such a dumbass. People always say that we learn from our mistakes. I think what I learn from my mistakes, is how I can fuck up more the freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-942320222003-05-12T19:24:00.000-04:002003-05-12T19:24:56.436-04:00Sorry, I haven't posted earlier. It's been far too long. Too damn long to be precise. A whole hell of a lot of wonderful and exciting and depressing and monotonous and fearful things have happened since I last smeared my thoughts all of your pages. To catch up, I am now a college graduate, live with one of my best friends, Rob, in Longview, the town that I have come to despise over the past 5freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-931157292003-04-23T11:10:00.000-04:002003-04-23T11:10:36.673-04:00This has been a very strange fews weeks for me. In the past three weeks, I have decided to live in Longview for an additional eigth months, a got very close to someone, got into a relationship, went back to friends, I have one day of classes left, and I need to find a job. In a week and a half, a good deal of my friends will be going home for the summer, and I will be here living with my good freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-930517592003-04-22T11:43:00.000-04:002003-04-22T12:20:51.000-04:00"Going out of my mind these days, like I'm walking 'round in a haze, I can't think straight, I can't concentrate, and I need a shave..." - Diamond Rio (Beautiful Mess)
"...I am crawling in the dark, looking for the answer.." - Hoobastank (Crawling In The Dark)
"I can't find a reason to let go...I can find a reason to hang on..." Dixie Chicks (You Were Mine)
"...Oh let the light back in, Ifreaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-930163132003-04-21T21:24:00.000-04:002003-04-21T21:24:57.326-04:00I just needed to post this already. I wrote it over a week and a half ago, but never got around to posting it. Here it is. Hope you enjoy. It's another scary one.
About four years ago, I had an amazing nightmare. It was one of the most horrific I've ever had. I involved me and my brother. Just the two of us, and a lake of fire. My brother and I were walking along and he fell into this freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-930098022003-04-21T19:10:00.000-04:002003-04-21T20:19:46.000-04:00"It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me, it feels like I'm all the way back where I come from." - Chantal Kreviazuk
One of the most amazing songs I've ever heard. It is actually my favorite song in the whole wide world, not kidding. My life's goals were to find someone that made me feel the way this song does. I started to and continue to feel this way, but that might be all freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-914655582003-03-27T02:08:00.000-05:002003-03-27T02:15:43.000-05:00I wonder if any of you out there have ever experienced things that are not there. Like have you seen things that do not exist, or heard things that do not exist? Quite honestly, I have seen things and heard things that would make most of you just seize up and die. I see them quite frequently, as well as hear and feel them. I am not crazy that I am aware of, but I may be. I don't know why I freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-911966602003-03-22T17:23:00.000-05:002003-03-22T18:05:34.000-05:00Sorry I didn't show yesterday, but I was preoccupied with more work than I knew what to do with, followed by a "my work's all done" celebration. Have you ever really looked at people and studied them? Not friends, but random people that you don't even talk to? Sitting one day, and watching this guy walk down the street, I realized that I had seen him before but in a totally different place freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-910863842003-03-20T17:51:00.000-05:002003-03-20T17:51:41.483-05:00Well, day two, and I am actually on the ball with this blog thing. I'm so proud of my self. Anyhoo, life is so insanely difficult to comprehend for me. I have no direction, no path, no clue as to where I am supposed to be 10 minutes from now, let alone 10 years from now. I feel like a lost little animal, that doesn't know where home is, even though it could be right next door, but I'm too freaknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5183070.post-910031492003-03-19T13:00:00.000-05:002003-03-19T17:34:50.000-05:00Well here goes, never done this before but what the hell. On March 9, my life changed. I was doing things people should not do, and then went dancing. Where, but in the heart of the French Quarter itself, Bourbon Street, New Orleans. It was a Sunday night and I was not thinking, so I did things that I will not name to keep my innoncence in the eyes of my friends that do not know how I am freaknoreply@blogger.com